life is weird sometimes..i suppose there's nothing to do about it, but keep smiling :)

waitless

October 22, 2008

Waitless

I will never cry
looking for the truth
in another lie
i'm holding on
to this waitless boulder
sitting on top
of my tired shoulder

So i'm going to a place
in the back of my mind
i'm looking for a chance
in that spot behind
the door, across the room
and now i'm going in circles
trying not to lose...

i'm tired
of looking like a child
in another life
or another smile,
i'm losing myself
in this confusing space
i've lost to myself
in this crazy race

now i'm running to a world
full of old guitars,
i know these faces
i know these stars,
it's always been home for me
and thinking of them
makes me so so happy

i will never cry
looking for the truth
in another lie
i'm letting go
of this weight on
my shoulder
i'm running away
with this, waitless, bolder.

dysfunctional - from almost a month ago..

My mind is disfunctional.It seems to have stopped working. I wish I knew what to do with myself. What to make of my mind, and what's going on inside it. It's blank. But there's so much to figure out, so much to think about. I'm feeling very alone, isolated. I have a very few friends around me, and none of them are really good enough friends to help me, cousel me, tell me what to do, how to deal with my head, or my life. I feel stuck in a world of lies and cries and pain and hurt. It sucks. And my tea is too hot to drink. I can't cry. I hate that, I really wish I could.
I wish one would stop acting like he does towards me, I just want to be normal friends with him. I need him to be there for, I want to be there for him. But I can't because it doesn't seem like I'm allowed, like it's not appropriate for me to want to be around him. That could all be said for the other as well. I want to help him figure himself out, but everyone makes assumptions about us, about me, about how I feel about him. But they're all wrong. I don't want to be with him at all. I'm not like her either. Don't treat me like her. Fuck it's frustrating me.I'm not jealous or envious or resentful. I'm trying not to think about my part in the whole thing, but I'm not allowed. Everyone seems to think that I want to help him and then get back with him, but I don't. Not at all. I want him to get better. I want the family to be happy and wonderful like I know they are, or can be.
I'm lost now. I'm lost in a world of people who don't know me, but pretend they do, and judge me based on what they think. I feel almost betrayed because of that. It's not fair. I don't want sympathy or anything though, I just don't like assumptions. I don't like people assuming they know what I'm about, because they're most likely wrong. But they don't know that, and so they will continue thinking what they want about me, and treating me based on their incorrect asumptions and judgements.
I know that I shouldn't care at all what other people think of me, I should just go on with my life, and let them think whatever they want to think. Let them think whatever it is that makes them feel better. It shouldn't affect me the way it is. I should be taking the high road and being the bigger person and all that. I should, I should, I should. But at the moment, for some reason I can't get it out of my head. It's eating away at me, suffocating me, and making it impossible for me to ignore. I hate it.
I've been sucked into this crazy world of people, and I'm stuck here. I can't seem to find my way out. I'm not all that sure that I want to either, I love these people. I'm not always sure why though...

just a thought

All i seem to write about is myself. which i suppose makes sense, it's what's most relevant to me. i think i write about my thoughts and my emotions, etc because it makes it easier to analyze them when they're in black and white..i don't know that it helps. i still feel just as confused about everything...maybe it just keeps me from going insane. maybe it makes me feel more tangible. a somewhat silly observation, but it's true. too often i feel like the world is spinning around me so fast that i can't see where i'm going. maybe i need to write to ground myself, find the walls and the doors, to find where my foot goes next so as to keep walking in a straight line. too often i sit down to write and hope to come up with something profound. it doesn't happen very often, and i seldom notice when it does.
so, how did i get here, to this place in my life, in my head? i can remember a lot of my life, i can go back and read all that i've written and try to make sense of it, try to make out the paths that i took that got me to this house, this computer, these people, this mind. but for some reason, it still doesn't seem all that clear. it's like going through a photo album trying to figure out what the people are thinking, or how they're feeling or what they're doing with their lives. it's not easy. but, first cliche of the day, life isn't supposed to be easy, is it. we're supposed to struggle our way through life so as to experience as much of the good and the bad as we can. i think there's a lot to be said about how our parents did as to how we've turned out.. but also, we can't ignore genetics. nature vs. nurture, an age old debate. i can't believe that just one could be resposible for who we are...
maybe we're solely responsible for how we turn out...i don't think i can believe that either actually.
so the mind, some say, is merely a direct result of evolution, something that developed in human beings over centuries, millenia. designed to cope with our ever growing brain capacity. so that we can deal with emotions, which are a result of chemical reactions in our brains, which are also a coping mechanism. if we approach the world with a pessamistic, scientific, skeptic outlook, we will see a completely different world...we like to believe in gods and faeries and ghosts and love and faith and beauty. it makes us feel better about our world. it makes the hardships, the pain and the despair and the devestation seem bareable.
is that why we believe? do we truly just believe in these romantic notions just to make the world seem like an easier place to live in? that makes us sound like rather ridiculous creatures..i wonder if dolphins believe in love...