dysfunctional - from almost a month ago..

My mind is disfunctional.It seems to have stopped working. I wish I knew what to do with myself. What to make of my mind, and what's going on inside it. It's blank. But there's so much to figure out, so much to think about. I'm feeling very alone, isolated. I have a very few friends around me, and none of them are really good enough friends to help me, cousel me, tell me what to do, how to deal with my head, or my life. I feel stuck in a world of lies and cries and pain and hurt. It sucks. And my tea is too hot to drink. I can't cry. I hate that, I really wish I could.
I wish one would stop acting like he does towards me, I just want to be normal friends with him. I need him to be there for, I want to be there for him. But I can't because it doesn't seem like I'm allowed, like it's not appropriate for me to want to be around him. That could all be said for the other as well. I want to help him figure himself out, but everyone makes assumptions about us, about me, about how I feel about him. But they're all wrong. I don't want to be with him at all. I'm not like her either. Don't treat me like her. Fuck it's frustrating me.I'm not jealous or envious or resentful. I'm trying not to think about my part in the whole thing, but I'm not allowed. Everyone seems to think that I want to help him and then get back with him, but I don't. Not at all. I want him to get better. I want the family to be happy and wonderful like I know they are, or can be.
I'm lost now. I'm lost in a world of people who don't know me, but pretend they do, and judge me based on what they think. I feel almost betrayed because of that. It's not fair. I don't want sympathy or anything though, I just don't like assumptions. I don't like people assuming they know what I'm about, because they're most likely wrong. But they don't know that, and so they will continue thinking what they want about me, and treating me based on their incorrect asumptions and judgements.
I know that I shouldn't care at all what other people think of me, I should just go on with my life, and let them think whatever they want to think. Let them think whatever it is that makes them feel better. It shouldn't affect me the way it is. I should be taking the high road and being the bigger person and all that. I should, I should, I should. But at the moment, for some reason I can't get it out of my head. It's eating away at me, suffocating me, and making it impossible for me to ignore. I hate it.
I've been sucked into this crazy world of people, and I'm stuck here. I can't seem to find my way out. I'm not all that sure that I want to either, I love these people. I'm not always sure why though...