Writing Life

2010-03-15T19:45:00.000-07:00

standing on one foot, arms outstretched. in my mind i'm pretending i'm an airplane like i did when i was five. eyes closed. deep breath in, and out. i'm trying to keep my balance.. i feel perpetually caught balancing on that line between friendly acquaintances and good friends. i'm not sure if i'll ever fully be on either side properly...so for now..i keep my distance.....

2010-01-15T18:34:00.001-08:00

Barmy

2010-01-04T00:01:00.000-08:00

I feel my mind conceiving
A plan that may mislead me
So I'm watching very closely
All the thoughts my mind might think

Is it silly not believing
That what I am perceiving
Might not be what I think it is
Or what it ought to be?

Now I feel I'm going crazy
To think that I'm so lazy
As to let my mind control
What my senses sense for me.

You must think me mad
And I'll admit, maybe a tad
I'm just not sure
How to start on fixing it

Any suggestions from crowd?
Do you think that I'm allowed
To think my thoughts
The way I want to think them?

Okay, time to settle down
I'll take off the wedding gown
And try to throw away
My wedding cake

I've decided on my own
That my thoughts are mine alone
And I'll think them from now on
Without your help

And thank you for the ear
With which you lent to hear
The rantings of the head
Outside my mind.

maddening

2009-10-26T18:46:00.000-07:00

my body still functions..so i feed it...i can breathe. i can see. i can smell, taste, and feel...but for some reason, i feel like i'm dying. i can't figure out any reason to get out of bed, which is ridiculous...i know this. but without a job, without money, without any kind of purpose, i feel like i'm starting to decay prematurely. it's maddening. but i'm not sure what to do about it. i'm not looking forward to anything...there's nothing to look forward to when you can't afford it..i suppose i only believe myself when i say it's only money when i have some..or at least some illusion of some. i know i really shouldn't be complaining. i can get a job, there just aren't any on the island, which means i have to move or something in order to make money, but moving takes money..catch 22..and again, i'm house sitting for my folks until the middle of december, which is a blessing and a curse, blessing for obvious reasons, a free roof over my head, but curse because the location of said roof might not be the most beneficial...................i'm going crazy on my own with nothing to do.... i need to do something...i just have no idea what..

Indistinction

2009-09-01T20:03:00.000-07:00

The air was bruised with jazz and smoke,
The golden whiskey burned her throat,
And priceless pearls fell from her eyes,
'Cuz bubblegum lips were no disguise.

The music changed and lights dimmed low,
Her glass was dry, she had to go.
His eyes were kept for her alone,
That stupid girl fell from her throne.

He took her hand, she followed him,
They danced just like the seraphim,
He looked, she thought, like Raphael,
His painted wings were like a spell.

He held her, kissed her gent-l-y,
Her heart was his eternally,
He gave her diamonds, held her train,
She drank his tears and took his pain.

Now like Khepri, Ra, and Atum,
Their love is like Egytian sun,
It burns beside the moon and stars,
And fades when Neptune kisses Mars.

But flaming Typhon whistles death,
Our starlet princess, high on meth,
Has choked on pearls and painted wings,
And diamond-studded wedding rings.

who

2009-08-02T01:45:00.000-07:00

..who are you? what's your middle name? what's your favourite colour? what's your family like? what are your religious views? where do you come from? what do you love? what do you hate? who are you? i want to know everything...

you give me butterflies.

D is for Dragonfly

2009-03-23T13:35:00.001-07:00

A secret
silent dead inside me
Discontect my soul.
It's an
anatomic atom mimic
pushing through
my exosphere.
macrocosmic,
magic comics
swirling, dancing
making sounds.
in little minutes,
moments, mine.
I'm finding answers
no nescience now.
Supernova mind control,
Introverted
powdered snow.
Lucid dreams
inside illusions
hallucigenics
lecture me.
Insecticides
Inside me, tides
are ebbing, flowing
up and down.
A pyro, chiro
break my spine
inside tonight
you're mine,
you're mine...

The sound of your voice..?

2009-03-01T20:15:00.000-08:00

I'm empty
I'm aching,
I'm falling into pieces,
I'm hurting
I'm crying,
I thought you were my jesus

You held me so close
I felt so safe in your arms
You wiped my tears
And made me smile,
I love the sound of your voice
And the taste of your mouth
And when your body was close to mine

I long, to see you
And touch you tonight
I want to have you
And love you
I have to make it right

You held me so close
I felt so safe in your arms
You wiped my tears
And made me smile,
I love the sound of your voice
And the taste of your mouth
And when your body was close to mine

But now I'm growing
And learning,
I'm happy on my own
You're not everything
I need to live
I'm now happy to be alone.

I was empty
And aching,
And falling apart
But now I’m happy,
And ready
To make another start

You held me so close
I felt so safe in your arms
You wiped my tears
And made me smile,
I loved the sound of your voice
And the taste of your mouth
But now my body is totally mine.

You held me so close
I felt so safe in your arms
You wiped my tears
And made me smile
I loved the sound of your voice
And the taste of your mouth
But now my body is totally mine.

******

a moment of rather irrelevant inspiration...

angel eyes

2009-01-07T22:24:00.001-08:00

2004.08.30 18.53

you look at me
your angel eyes
you laugh at me
you sympathyze
forever lost inside your mind
beneath your lips
there's no disguise
no level thoughts to cradle you
no where to hide
not much to do
there's nothing left
they all went home
they didn't see
they left alone
and after all there's only trance
to keep us sane
without a chance
to keep our minds from dying out
we cannot breathe
we shall not shout
if only we could give up fear
and live up in the stratosphere
protecting fools
on little strings
like puppets
unlike anything
we musn't fade the night to black
we musn't die
we will come back
and after all there's only trance
we're all that's left
our mindless rants...

7 blunders

2009-01-07T21:48:00.001-08:00

"Seven Blunders of the World"

1. Wealth without work

2. Pleasure without conscience

3. Knowledge without character

4. Commerce without morality

5. Science without humanity

6. Worship without sacrifice

7. Politics without principle

—Mahatma Gandhi

Unbroken

2008-12-30T16:22:00.000-08:00

Unbroken

A distant world
of constant lies,
of tears and torture,
broken ties;
A cloudless morning
full of dew,
I feel so empty
without you.
your eyes are madness
pain, regret,
you're in my soul,
I can't forget;
You're in the sun,
you are my moon,
you're in my head,
an endless tune.

A perfect circle,
mobius ring,
I'm disconnected
from everything.
You were my compass,
I found my way,
But now I'm lost,
and lead astray.
Inside myself
I've got to find,
the path I followed
and left behind.
My head is spinning,
a constant blur,
perfected chaos,
an endless whir.

But here I am,
I've much to do,
I will not hide
and I cannot rue;
So on I go,
and I will stand,
and I will live,
my feet will land,
I'm tired, angry,
happy, sad,
I've got to take
the good and bad;
I have myself,
I have my soul,
I have my heart,
I've played my role.

And so, I'll be
contented now,
to finding love,
and learning how.

2008-12-28T19:46:00.000-08:00

so, i have loads of really amazing friends. i'm extremely lucky to have the friends i do. and yet i'm unreasonably upset about losing an friendly aquaintance that i barely knew. our entire friendly aquaintanceship (word?) was pretty much just sex. and now that it's been broken off in an altogether far to unceremonious manner, i'm absolutely gutted. i feel heart broken. i'm genuinely hurt, but i don't really think i should be. and now i don't know how to feel about it. i'm really confused, and extremely fucked off because i'm so confused about something so stupid. god i hate being female sometimes... i really really hate these hormones, these feelings, these thoughts...
i'm going crazy!

2008-12-02T22:03:00.000-08:00

i feel numb today for some reason..
i woke a little after eight this morning, then i stayed in bed and read the last hundred or so pages of the book i was reading. it made me cry.
but now i feel like i cried for me, which is silly, i have no reason to cry. aside, maybe, from the fact that i'm hungry, but even then i can't complain because it was my decision to stay in bed and not go out and get food...
i don't want to be in asia any more. i'm tired. i'm sick. i'm lonely. i miss all the people that make my life better..
i'm not complaining, i mean not to anyway. i'm just tired, and i want to see my family, i can't wait till christmas, i don't really know what to do here, and so i think it might be, not a waste, but maybe not the best use of my time...
i think when i get back to nz, i'm going to get all my pics onto my computer, and make all my albums and...just get everything sorted...and maybe lay on a beach for a few days, before i go home....
i'm still very hungry, like an idiot i had 6 cigarettes for breakfast, and they didn't really cut it.....smoke smoke smoke...

there are bars here that play nothing but friends or family guy or simpsons..

2008-11-29T02:04:00.001-08:00

the power of the mind never ceases to amaze me. i've been spending time with kids from the slums of phnom penh, where they have absolutely nothing compared to what i have, and yet i find myself complaining about a bad hair day, where they can't seem to stop smiling. a truly moving, sobering experience.....

2008-11-23T03:39:00.000-08:00

i'm in cambodia. i love this country.. it's so different to anything i've ever seen before, and it's beautiful. the people here, thirty years ago suffered so much despair. they had to go through so much, and yet they smile so much now. it's a truly inspiring thing to see. i realize that most of the people alive now were not alive during the khmer rouge genocide, but their parents were, and grandparents, if they're still alive, were. the faces of the old people (of which there are few), are dark, sad faces. they have known how horrible people can be to each other....
i spent a week staying on a tropical island off the south west coast of cambodia, and i've spent the rest of the last week living in phnom penh. i met a woman here who has been helping the street kids out as much as possible. a couple days ago she and i took 6kgs of rice to the slums for a few families that she knew needed it especially. we also took rice and banana sweets for the kids. the looks on their faces were priceless. so beautiful, they break your heart. i really like it here. i like helping these kids, spending my time and money doing something worth while..it feels right. i plan to come back someday, hopefully soon. i don't know when i will be able to though. i might come back in may....i have no idea. i just know that i am happy being here doing this.
i came over to asia because of a guy i met in fiji. he and i stayed together on the island i mentioned earlier. we weren't getting along as well as hoped, so i'm travelling on my own for the time being..it's going well so far, not that i've really travelled all that much since i left the island, really just the bus ride from the port to here. i met engi (sp?), the woman i'm helping, on our way down to phnom penh from the thai border almost two weeks ago. so when i got here i met her again only a couple hours later. so i can't really say i've been on my own all that much. but i'm not scared of being on my own now.
i have a sore throat, so i'm going to get some lozenges...i have so much to write everyday, and it's all in my notebook..when i have time i will write much more about this phenomenal country and the beautiful people in it...
xo

2008-10-26T00:23:00.000-07:00

life is weird sometimes..i suppose there's nothing to do about it, but keep smiling :)

waitless

2008-10-22T21:00:00.001-07:00

October 22, 2008

Waitless

I will never cry
looking for the truth
in another lie
i'm holding on
to this waitless boulder
sitting on top
of my tired shoulder

So i'm going to a place
in the back of my mind
i'm looking for a chance
in that spot behind
the door, across the room
and now i'm going in circles
trying not to lose...

i'm tired
of looking like a child
in another life
or another smile,
i'm losing myself
in this confusing space
i've lost to myself
in this crazy race

now i'm running to a world
full of old guitars,
i know these faces
i know these stars,
it's always been home for me
and thinking of them
makes me so so happy

i will never cry
looking for the truth
in another lie
i'm letting go
of this weight on
my shoulder
i'm running away
with this, waitless, bolder.

dysfunctional - from almost a month ago..

2008-10-22T20:56:00.000-07:00

My mind is disfunctional.It seems to have stopped working. I wish I knew what to do with myself. What to make of my mind, and what's going on inside it. It's blank. But there's so much to figure out, so much to think about. I'm feeling very alone, isolated. I have a very few friends around me, and none of them are really good enough friends to help me, cousel me, tell me what to do, how to deal with my head, or my life. I feel stuck in a world of lies and cries and pain and hurt. It sucks. And my tea is too hot to drink. I can't cry. I hate that, I really wish I could.
I wish one would stop acting like he does towards me, I just want to be normal friends with him. I need him to be there for, I want to be there for him. But I can't because it doesn't seem like I'm allowed, like it's not appropriate for me to want to be around him. That could all be said for the other as well. I want to help him figure himself out, but everyone makes assumptions about us, about me, about how I feel about him. But they're all wrong. I don't want to be with him at all. I'm not like her either. Don't treat me like her. Fuck it's frustrating me.I'm not jealous or envious or resentful. I'm trying not to think about my part in the whole thing, but I'm not allowed. Everyone seems to think that I want to help him and then get back with him, but I don't. Not at all. I want him to get better. I want the family to be happy and wonderful like I know they are, or can be.
I'm lost now. I'm lost in a world of people who don't know me, but pretend they do, and judge me based on what they think. I feel almost betrayed because of that. It's not fair. I don't want sympathy or anything though, I just don't like assumptions. I don't like people assuming they know what I'm about, because they're most likely wrong. But they don't know that, and so they will continue thinking what they want about me, and treating me based on their incorrect asumptions and judgements.
I know that I shouldn't care at all what other people think of me, I should just go on with my life, and let them think whatever they want to think. Let them think whatever it is that makes them feel better. It shouldn't affect me the way it is. I should be taking the high road and being the bigger person and all that. I should, I should, I should. But at the moment, for some reason I can't get it out of my head. It's eating away at me, suffocating me, and making it impossible for me to ignore. I hate it.
I've been sucked into this crazy world of people, and I'm stuck here. I can't seem to find my way out. I'm not all that sure that I want to either, I love these people. I'm not always sure why though...

just a thought

2008-10-01T14:26:00.001-07:00

All i seem to write about is myself. which i suppose makes sense, it's what's most relevant to me. i think i write about my thoughts and my emotions, etc because it makes it easier to analyze them when they're in black and white..i don't know that it helps. i still feel just as confused about everything...maybe it just keeps me from going insane. maybe it makes me feel more tangible. a somewhat silly observation, but it's true. too often i feel like the world is spinning around me so fast that i can't see where i'm going. maybe i need to write to ground myself, find the walls and the doors, to find where my foot goes next so as to keep walking in a straight line. too often i sit down to write and hope to come up with something profound. it doesn't happen very often, and i seldom notice when it does.
so, how did i get here, to this place in my life, in my head? i can remember a lot of my life, i can go back and read all that i've written and try to make sense of it, try to make out the paths that i took that got me to this house, this computer, these people, this mind. but for some reason, it still doesn't seem all that clear. it's like going through a photo album trying to figure out what the people are thinking, or how they're feeling or what they're doing with their lives. it's not easy. but, first cliche of the day, life isn't supposed to be easy, is it. we're supposed to struggle our way through life so as to experience as much of the good and the bad as we can. i think there's a lot to be said about how our parents did as to how we've turned out.. but also, we can't ignore genetics. nature vs. nurture, an age old debate. i can't believe that just one could be resposible for who we are...
maybe we're solely responsible for how we turn out...i don't think i can believe that either actually.
so the mind, some say, is merely a direct result of evolution, something that developed in human beings over centuries, millenia. designed to cope with our ever growing brain capacity. so that we can deal with emotions, which are a result of chemical reactions in our brains, which are also a coping mechanism. if we approach the world with a pessamistic, scientific, skeptic outlook, we will see a completely different world...we like to believe in gods and faeries and ghosts and love and faith and beauty. it makes us feel better about our world. it makes the hardships, the pain and the despair and the devestation seem bareable.
is that why we believe? do we truly just believe in these romantic notions just to make the world seem like an easier place to live in? that makes us sound like rather ridiculous creatures..i wonder if dolphins believe in love...

a murch moment

2008-09-29T00:04:00.000-07:00

Have a seat.
Take a stand.
Want a brew?
Need a hand?
Grab a beer.
Ask the Q.
Roll a fag.
Light it too.
Take a drag.
Watch the smoke.
Flick the ash.
Tell a joke.
Repeat.

my auricular mind

2008-09-15T00:38:00.000-07:00

i find my eyes,
they're underneath
underneath the stars
and in my mind,
i'm wandering,
to where ever i once was

i'm falling
into galaxies,
falling from the skies
running into strangers, and
the lights that
pass me by.

i'm wondering
i'm wondering,
i don't know where to go
i'm blundering
and blundering
and searching for a home

my life is turning
upside down
and inside out
and up
And all the while
I’m spinning round
And losing all that counts

i'm questioning
my everything
i'm confused about myself
i'm looking for
a balance point
a place that evens out

i'm wandering
i'm wandering
searching for a road to take
I’m blundering
And blundering
And trying not to wake

The world outside of
Laughing minds
Wanting my
Exotic kind
To execute
And design disguise
And lose all thoughts
Of enterprise.

And now I’ll rhyme
Just one more time
Try not to lose the plot
or reconcile
The image
Planted in my brain
So now I’ll stop
Or go insane.

I’m squandering
I’m squandering
And plotting out my life
I’m laundering
And laundering
And trying to make it right

I’m wondering
And wandering
And looking where to go
I’m pondering
And pondering
And finding out I’m home

First two weeks in New Zealand

2008-09-09T20:27:00.000-07:00

now i'm in new zealand. i've been here for two weeks now. i spent a week in a place called raglan, which is a surf town on the north island. my good friend lucretia lives there. it's such a cool place. everyone is pretty chilled, laid back. kind of like home. i like it there. i've been in the south island in a little town called murchison for just over a week now. the first four days were rather inebriated. it was really good to see my best mate lee again. i met his missus, lina. she's alright. she doesn't seem to like me much though. i'm trying, not hard enough though. that's alright. it'll sort itself out. life will be good again. as a result of not getting along famously with lina, i've been spending increasingly more time with the rest of the family. i've spent a fair amount of time with joe, lee's 30 year old uncle. and with ben, lee's 17 year old brother. and of course i've been spending lots of time with gran dot as well. i've really enjoyed the family. a couple days ago i learned how to drive a 2 ton digger. it's easier to figure out than a playstation. pretty cooll. and today i learned how to shoot a rifle. i wasn't half bad either. good fun. i think i'm going "up the rainbow" tomorrow. the family has a cabin up rainbow mountain. most of the family is going up tomorrow morning, with a bunch of the boys coming up in the afternoon to do some hunting. they've invited me along, so that should be fun. it feels good being treated like part of the family, i reckon. and it's a pretty amazing family to be invited into. i'm pretty happy here. i'm being fed well, and i'm laughing often enough, life is good.
i miss you all back at home. i wish you all could come and see this amazing little communtiy and this amazingly gorgeous country. it's phenomenal.
xoxo

The rest of fiji

2008-09-09T20:04:00.000-07:00

SO the rest of fiji was a complete blast!! i went to a little island called beachcomber island. it takes about 15 minutes to walk around it. i swam around it my first day there with a bloke called ricky. it was fun. there was lots of curry at meal times. and lots of fruit. and of course lots of alcohol. i danced so much my two nights there too. it was exactly what i needed. i've fallen in love with fiji really. it's paradise. the sea water is as warm as a bath. the sand is white, although we were on a couple coral beaches, so the sand wasn't always nice to walk on, but it was beautiful to look at. the people i was with were amazing as well. everyone got along really well. it was just so much fun to be there. i would go back in a heartbeat.

..day three...

2008-08-21T02:51:00.001-07:00

So yesterday fiona (my bunkmate that i'm now sort of travelling with) and I sat out on the beach with tanning oil on. It was pretty cloudy for a while, but then it cleared up, for about two hours. We were/are burnt as hell. Fiona's from England, so her skin is pretty close to as fair as mine. You can imagine the pain we've been in today.
We spent the day on South Sea Island, which takes about five minutes to walk around. It's pretty cool, I've got to say. it's a coral beach, which isn't all that comfortable to walk on with bare feet, but it was white and the water was turquoise blue. I went snorkelling as well, and it was really cool. It was getting to low tide though, and I was really really close to the coral and got a few scratches on my legs. Got some cool pics though. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to use my beautiful wonderful new camera because I do not have the battery charger with me. There was a girl here yesterday who had the same charger thing, and she said I could use it, but she took my battery off after like half an hour, which did practically nothing. So, I bought a cheap disposable underwater camera. I'm pretty bumed about the battery thing though. I should be able to buy one in NZ, but I was really hoping to get more pics of Fiji with it. Fiona said that I could use all her photos of Fiji though. So it works out alright.
Smugglers' Cove is going to store my luggage while I'm off at Beachcombers Island, and the woman at the travel desk said that she would keep my laptop at her place for the next couple days because the luggage storage room isn't guarenteed to be 100% safe. She said she doesn't do it very often either, so that's really cool. I think I'm going to be in and around $600FJD for this trip, which is pretty good considering I'm not living too too cheap. I'm doing just about everything I want to. I might be $100 or two over that if I decide to do parasailing or something like that. I don't know yet. I don't really care either. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to make money in NZ, so yeah.
Tomorrow night should be a right party on Beachcombers. It's supposed to be the party island and tomorrow is Friday and I think it's all book up.
Oh, and here at Smugglers I'm staying in a 36 bed mixed dorm. I thought that was pretty big, until I heard that Beachcombers is and 84 bed mixed dorm. It'll be like camp or something. It's going to be absolutely nuts!
Anyway, I'll talk to you later, I'm not sure what the internet's going to be like on Beachcomber, so I might not email you back for a couple days, I don't know. But for sure I'll be emailing you on Sunday night, which is late in the evening on Saturday for you.
Love you lots,
Mo

day two

2008-08-21T02:50:00.001-07:00

So, in the short space of one day my fiji plans have changed a wee bit. instead of staying in Nadi (pronounced Nandi) the whole time, I'm going to spend a couple nights on a beachcomber island. so tomorrow i'm going to south sea island for the day, coming back here for the night, then on friday morning i'll leave for beachcomber island where i'll stay for friday and saturday, for $275 FJD which includes all meals for three days because i come back to Nadi on Sunday night. So, I thought it wasn't a bad deal at all. I'm living off of around $100FJD/day anyways, so why not add a boat trip and another island into it. i've kind of made friends with one of my bunk mates, so she's coming to south sea island with me tomorrow, and then we're going to beachcomber together, then i'm coming back here and she's continuing on to another island. It's nice to have someone to hang out with. I'm diong well, a little burnt, but still smiling. There's native dancing every night here which is really cool. And i've got to say I love watching the men because they all have amazing bodies and, well, yum. :P Anyways, the show is going to start soon, so I love you and I'll talk to you later.

after night number one.

2008-08-21T02:48:00.000-07:00

smugglers cove is a really nice backpackers. I wasn't quite sure what to expect, but I love it. There's loads of young people, which is good, good food, RIGHT on the beach, i will send pictures, and the weather is very warm. it's really really humid actually. constantly sweating, but it's alright, i can live with that. yesterday it was sunny with a bit of cloud now and again, but there was a perfect breeze that made what would have been unbearable heat, laying in the sun, to perfect temperatures. AND i went swimming in the ocean after dark last night. it was soo nice! it was like bath water, except a whole lot saltier. :P

I made it!

2008-08-18T20:06:00.001-07:00

Hey guys, I made it to Fiji safe and sound.

My ticket was wrong about the time of departure by about forty minutes, so we left at 8:15pm instead of 7:35pm, no biggie. On the plane, my "window seat" was one of two window side seats that were missing the window. The plane was a little one too. It was the same size as a westjet plane, three seats on either side of one isle, that's it!

There were only two of us in our three seats during the first flight, and after the seatbelt sign had been turned off, we noticed that the people that had been sitting behind us weren't there anymore. So, my seatmate moved back one and we each had three seats to ourselves for the rest of the flight. It was really nice for sleeping, and am I ever glad I had that pillow with me, i had it against the wall, and then I used the three little pillows to protect me from buckles and other such things.

The two in flight movies were 'Definately, Maybe", and "21". I had already told myself that I had to go to sleep after the first one (which was really, really cute, btw), so I didn't get to see "21" which I've been wanting to see for ages. Oh well, such is life.

So, then we got to Honolulu. We just had to get off the plane, so they could refuel and change crew. That was fine, until, when they were refueling the guy that was in charge of it spilled about 50 gallons or so onto the tarmac. Apparently there's a device in place that stops the fuel when it reaches a certain point, but the guy who was fueling overroad it and then decided he wasn't going to pay attention. Way to go buddy.

So, we got to wait, and watch, while these guys threw, I think it was salt, onto the gas to neutralize it, then they had to clean the salt up. This all took them an extra forty minutes, or so. After what seemed like forever, we got back onto the plane and we left by I think it was getting close to three in the morning Honolulu time (which was six in the morning for you guys, I think).

It ended up that the plane was empty enough again that I got the same three seats to myself, again. I'm pretty sure I slept, I dreamt anyway. My back is a little sore though, and I'm pretty tired, although that could be a little jet lag, what do you think? :P

The story continues after I'm through customs and baggage claim (which also took, forever). I tried to reconfirm a tour booking for thursday, but there was something funny about their computers or something, and they said they would call me here. Then they got me to the shuttle, but it ended up being the wrong shuttle. I was taken the a place called Sky Lodge, when I really wanted to go to Smugglers' Cove. The shuttle driver got me a taxi, which would have been a five or six dollar ride had I not accepted his offer to take me on a small tour, of the first Fijian village and the second biggest Fijian city.

It was loads of fun! The taxi driver's name was Jai (no comments please). He was very nice and pretty easy to talk to. We talked about loads of things, from the roads (which are crap), to what it's like to live in Fiji (which is hard), to the rain, christmas, and bread fruit trees (which are all beautiful. There's loads and loads of farming and almost all of it is sugar cane. They have machines that can harvest it, but only if it's a flat field, otherwise, it has to be chopped down by hand, stacked by hand, and then taken to the mill by either train or truck. There was sugar cane pieces all over the roads too, beside the road where we might have lots of branches after a wind storm, they have sugar cane.

Another big industry in Fiji is fishing. We drove into the dock area, and the men (and only men) were bringing boats in, bringing fish in and talking and trading amongst themselves. Jai said that a piece of fish about a foot long would cost you about $20 or so.

When we were driving into the city, the name of which I still can't remember, you could smell the sawdust from a pine tree sawdust mill. It was a sour burnt sort of sweet pine smell. Then as we got closer to the city you could smell the sugar cane mill, that was a bizzare smell. It was sort of sweet and sour, like the sawdust mill, but it also smelled kind of musty or something. Not an unpleasant smell.

We parked along one of the main roads, and we decided we'd meet back at the van in an hour and a half, which was 12:30. Jai recommended an a place called garma, it was all indian food. It was so yummy, I had a bowl of rice with three different sauce things, along with chippati bread and a papadum and a candy (which was pure sugar!), and a mango lassi that made me grin like a mad woman. It was delectable.

After food I went walking around town, going into a number of shops. There's heaps of shops full of cheap sweatshop items. I got a bottle of perfume for $4 FJD. I have to admit, it smelled much better in the store, oh well. In every shop you go into, there are three or four more salespeople than there would be at home. Whenever you walk into a store a salesperson follows you around the store like a shadow, almost daring you or begging you to buy something. I probably got it as much as I did because of being white, fair enough though, I look like an american, and if an american is travelling here they usually have some money to spend. Unfortunately for these people, I didn't have much money to spend, I did what I could though.

Another thing that's really noticable here is that, as a white female, I got stared at by men ashamedly and all the time, by just about every Fijian man I saw. I quite often make eye contact too, which brings me to my next exciting event, I was stalked! I made eye contact with a man at one point, soon after food, then i saw him waiting outside all the shops i went into. He seemed harmless, and I felt safe enough because I knew what was going on. Nothing came of it. The last three or four times I past him I didn't smile, and then it was time for me to meet Jai back at the van.

My time on the computer is almost up, so, I'm going to wrap this up.

One thing I didn't mention earlier was the price of gas here, $2.33/litre. Hope that made you all feel better about paying in and around $1.50/litre.

Love you all,
Thinking of you lots,
This place is beautiful,
And I love my camera!!!

xoxo

Mo

2008-08-15T23:25:00.001-07:00

I'm mostly packed. I'm pretty organized (thanks to mum!)...It's too late for me to be still awake though....

think think think...

RIP Pamela Brooks

2008-08-09T22:21:00.000-07:00

I wrote this for my mum and Pamela...

In my life
And in my dreams,
In my heart,
What you mean to me:

You gave me hope
And love and peace,
A desire to live,
And a mind to dream.

A little girl
With tears and hate,
You helped me love
And let me change.

You saw the world
A beautiful place
You let me see it
Amazing grace.

Serenity Garden
Let beauty amaze
Open your mind
And find your way

Thank you for
Your courage/strength
Your art and love
And inspiring ways,

I don't know how
To begin to say,
I aspire to live like you
every day.

So thank, thank you,
Love, and please:
Words to live by,
And believe.

2008-07-26T16:40:00.001-07:00

2008-07-26T16:15:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling really tired, and sad and anxious all day. I'm hoping it's just the weather. It's been sort of raining here for the first time in a couple weeks...
I'm getting sad thinking about leaving. I have a really awesome best friend for the first time in a long while. I found a guy I'm starting to really like and I'm finally starting to build friendships with people I've always admired from a distance.
(Now I can hear Tracy saying something like, they're only being nice to you because they know you're going away. Then she'd laugh at me, and I'd try and come up with something just as sweet to say back to her, and then we'd laugh together.)
I feel like I'm falling apart from the inside out or something. My insides ache. My eyes have been watering all day. Leaking out my heart all over my face. ( I suppose that should sound poetic, but I think it might just sound a little off. :P)
I'm heading over to Saltspring Island tomorrow. I bought a climbing harness on Tuesday and I'm going to try rock climbing for almost the first time. (Actual first time was at a climbing gym in NZ, and i think I tried only a couple walls and then gave up because I thought I was crap at it.) I have other reasons to go to Saltspring, and if you know me well enough you already know what they are...
I'm going to go to kareoke tonight with Tracy. I'm looking forward to it.

2008-07-23T19:48:00.001-07:00

Damien Rice has a beautiful voice!!!

2008-07-23T19:40:00.000-07:00

First blog ever!!