maddening

my body still functions..so i feed it...i can breathe. i can see. i can smell, taste, and feel...but for some reason, i feel like i'm dying. i can't figure out any reason to get out of bed, which is ridiculous...i know this. but without a job, without money, without any kind of purpose, i feel like i'm starting to decay prematurely. it's maddening. but i'm not sure what to do about it. i'm not looking forward to anything...there's nothing to look forward to when you can't afford it..i suppose i only believe myself when i say it's only money when i have some..or at least some illusion of some. i know i really shouldn't be complaining. i can get a job, there just aren't any on the island, which means i have to move or something in order to make money, but moving takes money..catch 22..and again, i'm house sitting for my folks until the middle of december, which is a blessing and a curse, blessing for obvious reasons, a free roof over my head, but curse because the location of said roof might not be the most beneficial...................i'm going crazy on my own with nothing to do.... i need to do something...i just have no idea what..

Indistinction

The air was bruised with jazz and smoke,
The golden whiskey burned her throat,
And priceless pearls fell from her eyes,
'Cuz bubblegum lips were no disguise.

The music changed and lights dimmed low,
Her glass was dry, she had to go.
His eyes were kept for her alone,
That stupid girl fell from her throne.

He took her hand, she followed him,
They danced just like the seraphim,
He looked, she thought, like Raphael,
His painted wings were like a spell.

He held her, kissed her gent-l-y,
Her heart was his eternally,
He gave her diamonds, held her train,
She drank his tears and took his pain.

Now like Khepri, Ra, and Atum,
Their love is like Egytian sun,
It burns beside the moon and stars,
And fades when Neptune kisses Mars.

But flaming Typhon whistles death,
Our starlet princess, high on meth,
Has choked on pearls and painted wings,
And diamond-studded wedding rings.

who

..who are you? what's your middle name? what's your favourite colour? what's your family like? what are your religious views? where do you come from? what do you love? what do you hate? who are you? i want to know everything...

you give me butterflies.

D is for Dragonfly

A secret
silent dead inside me
Discontect my soul.
It's an
anatomic atom mimic
pushing through
my exosphere.
macrocosmic,
magic comics
swirling, dancing
making sounds.
in little minutes,
moments, mine.
I'm finding answers
no nescience now.
Supernova mind control,
Introverted
powdered snow.
Lucid dreams
inside illusions
hallucigenics
lecture me.
Insecticides
Inside me, tides
are ebbing, flowing
up and down.
A pyro, chiro
break my spine
inside tonight
you're mine,
you're mine...

The sound of your voice..?

I'm empty
I'm aching,
I'm falling into pieces,
I'm hurting
I'm crying,
I thought you were my jesus

You held me so close
I felt so safe in your arms
You wiped my tears
And made me smile,
I love the sound of your voice
And the taste of your mouth
And when your body was close to mine

I long, to see you
And touch you tonight
I want to have you
And love you
I have to make it right

You held me so close
I felt so safe in your arms
You wiped my tears
And made me smile,
I love the sound of your voice
And the taste of your mouth
And when your body was close to mine

But now I'm growing
And learning,
I'm happy on my own
You're not everything
I need to live
I'm now happy to be alone.

I was empty
And aching,
And falling apart
But now I’m happy,
And ready
To make another start

You held me so close
I felt so safe in your arms
You wiped my tears
And made me smile,
I loved the sound of your voice
And the taste of your mouth
But now my body is totally mine.

You held me so close
I felt so safe in your arms
You wiped my tears
And made me smile
I loved the sound of your voice
And the taste of your mouth
But now my body is totally mine.

******

a moment of rather irrelevant inspiration...

angel eyes

2004.08.30 18.53


you look at me
your angel eyes
you laugh at me
you sympathyze
forever lost inside your mind
beneath your lips
there's no disguise
no level thoughts to cradle you
no where to hide
not much to do
there's nothing left
they all went home
they didn't see
they left alone
and after all there's only trance
to keep us sane
without a chance
to keep our minds from dying out
we cannot breathe
we shall not shout
if only we could give up fear
and live up in the stratosphere
protecting fools
on little strings
like puppets
unlike anything
we musn't fade the night to black
we musn't die
we will come back
and after all there's only trance
we're all that's left
our mindless rants...

7 blunders

"Seven Blunders of the World"


1. Wealth without work

2. Pleasure without conscience

3. Knowledge without character

4. Commerce without morality

5. Science without humanity

6. Worship without sacrifice

7. Politics without principle


—Mahatma Gandhi

Unbroken

Unbroken

A distant world
of constant lies,
of tears and torture,
broken ties;
A cloudless morning
full of dew,
I feel so empty
without you.
your eyes are madness
pain, regret,
you're in my soul,
I can't forget;
You're in the sun,
you are my moon,
you're in my head,
an endless tune.

A perfect circle,
mobius ring,
I'm disconnected
from everything.
You were my compass,
I found my way,
But now I'm lost,
and lead astray.
Inside myself
I've got to find,
the path I followed
and left behind.
My head is spinning,
a constant blur,
perfected chaos,
an endless whir.

But here I am,
I've much to do,
I will not hide
and I cannot rue;
So on I go,
and I will stand,
and I will live,
my feet will land,
I'm tired, angry,
happy, sad,
I've got to take
the good and bad;
I have myself,
I have my soul,
I have my heart,
I've played my role.

And so, I'll be
contented now,
to finding love,
and learning how.

so, i have loads of really amazing friends. i'm extremely lucky to have the friends i do. and yet i'm unreasonably upset about losing an friendly aquaintance that i barely knew. our entire friendly aquaintanceship (word?) was pretty much just sex. and now that it's been broken off in an altogether far to unceremonious manner, i'm absolutely gutted. i feel heart broken. i'm genuinely hurt, but i don't really think i should be. and now i don't know how to feel about it. i'm really confused, and extremely fucked off because i'm so confused about something so stupid. god i hate being female sometimes... i really really hate these hormones, these feelings, these thoughts...
i'm going crazy!

i feel numb today for some reason..
i woke a little after eight this morning, then i stayed in bed and read the last hundred or so pages of the book i was reading. it made me cry.
but now i feel like i cried for me, which is silly, i have no reason to cry. aside, maybe, from the fact that i'm hungry, but even then i can't complain because it was my decision to stay in bed and not go out and get food...
i don't want to be in asia any more. i'm tired. i'm sick. i'm lonely. i miss all the people that make my life better..
i'm not complaining, i mean not to anyway. i'm just tired, and i want to see my family, i can't wait till christmas, i don't really know what to do here, and so i think it might be, not a waste, but maybe not the best use of my time...
i think when i get back to nz, i'm going to get all my pics onto my computer, and make all my albums and...just get everything sorted...and maybe lay on a beach for a few days, before i go home....
i'm still very hungry, like an idiot i had 6 cigarettes for breakfast, and they didn't really cut it.....smoke smoke smoke...

there are bars here that play nothing but friends or family guy or simpsons..