peace, serenity, beauty, love.
please don't escape my grasp...

one step at a time. i need to force myself to do what'll make me better. it's really hard most of the time.
i am going to eat better. i am going to exercise more. i am going to smile more. i am going to drink less. i am going to sleep at more normal times. i am going to brush my teeth twice a day. i am going to drink lots of water everyday. i am going to walk three times a week minimum. i am going to hike twice a month minimum. i am going to spend time with people who make me feel good about myself. i am going to avoid drama that has nothing to do with me. i am going to focus on being happy and healthy. i am going to listen to good music. i am going to dance. i am going to stretch properly at least three times a week. i am going to be happy. i am going to be happy. i am going to be happy. i want to be happy. i can be happy. i will be happy.

Sarah

My name is Sarah
I am but three,
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see.

I must be stupid
I must be bad,
Why else would I make
My daddy so mad?

I wish I were better
I wish  weren’t ugly,
Then maybe my mummy
Would still want to hug me.

I can’t speak at all
I can’t do a wrong
If I do I get locked up,
All day long.

When I’m awake
I’m all alone
The house is all dark,
My parents aren’t home.

When mummy comes in,
I’ll try and be nice,
Maybe then I’ll just get
One whipping tonight.

Don’t make a sound!
I just heard the car
My daddy is back
From that dirty old bar.

I hear him curse,
It’s my name he calls
So I press myself
Against the wall.

I try and hide
From those evil eyes
I’m so afraid now
I’m starting to cry.

He find me weeping
He shouts ugly words,
He says it’s my fault
That he suffers at work.

He slaps me and hits me
And yells at me more,
I finally get free
And I run for the door.

He’s already locked it
So I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall.

I fall to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more ugly words spoken.

“I’m sorry!” I scream
But it’s now much too late
His face has been twisted
With horrible hate.

 

The hurt and the pain
Again and again
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it end!

And he finally stops
And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor.

My name is Sarah
And I am but three,
Tonight my daddy
Murdered me.

standing on one foot, arms outstretched. in my mind i'm pretending i'm an airplane like i did when i was five. eyes closed. deep breath in, and out. i'm trying to keep my balance.. i feel perpetually caught balancing on that line between friendly acquaintances and good friends. i'm not sure if i'll ever fully be on either side properly...so for now..i keep my distance.....

Barmy

I feel my mind conceiving
A plan that may mislead me
So I'm watching very closely
All the thoughts my mind might think

Is it silly not believing
That what I am perceiving
Might not be what I think it is
Or what it ought to be?

Now I feel I'm going crazy
To think that I'm so lazy
As to let my mind control
What my senses sense for me.

You must think me mad
And I'll admit, maybe a tad
I'm just not sure
How to start on fixing it

Any suggestions from crowd?
Do you think that I'm allowed
To think my thoughts
The way I want to think them?

Okay, time to settle down
I'll take off the wedding gown
And try to throw away
My wedding cake

I've decided on my own
That my thoughts are mine alone
And I'll think them from now on
Without your help

And thank you for the ear
With which you lent to hear
The rantings of the head
Outside my mind.

maddening

my body still functions..so i feed it...i can breathe. i can see. i can smell, taste, and feel...but for some reason, i feel like i'm dying. i can't figure out any reason to get out of bed, which is ridiculous...i know this. but without a job, without money, without any kind of purpose, i feel like i'm starting to decay prematurely. it's maddening. but i'm not sure what to do about it. i'm not looking forward to anything...there's nothing to look forward to when you can't afford it..i suppose i only believe myself when i say it's only money when i have some..or at least some illusion of some. i know i really shouldn't be complaining. i can get a job, there just aren't any on the island, which means i have to move or something in order to make money, but moving takes money..catch 22..and again, i'm house sitting for my folks until the middle of december, which is a blessing and a curse, blessing for obvious reasons, a free roof over my head, but curse because the location of said roof might not be the most beneficial...................i'm going crazy on my own with nothing to do.... i need to do something...i just have no idea what..

Indistinction

The air was bruised with jazz and smoke,
The golden whiskey burned her throat,
And priceless pearls fell from her eyes,
'Cuz bubblegum lips were no disguise.

The music changed and lights dimmed low,
Her glass was dry, she had to go.
His eyes were kept for her alone,
That stupid girl fell from her throne.

He took her hand, she followed him,
They danced just like the seraphim,
He looked, she thought, like Raphael,
His painted wings were like a spell.

He held her, kissed her gent-l-y,
Her heart was his eternally,
He gave her diamonds, held her train,
She drank his tears and took his pain.

Now like Khepri, Ra, and Atum,
Their love is like Egytian sun,
It burns beside the moon and stars,
And fades when Neptune kisses Mars.

But flaming Typhon whistles death,
Our starlet princess, high on meth,
Has choked on pearls and painted wings,
And diamond-studded wedding rings.

who

..who are you? what's your middle name? what's your favourite colour? what's your family like? what are your religious views? where do you come from? what do you love? what do you hate? who are you? i want to know everything...

you give me butterflies.

D is for Dragonfly

A secret
silent dead inside me
Discontect my soul.
It's an
anatomic atom mimic
pushing through
my exosphere.
macrocosmic,
magic comics
swirling, dancing
making sounds.
in little minutes,
moments, mine.
I'm finding answers
no nescience now.
Supernova mind control,
Introverted
powdered snow.
Lucid dreams
inside illusions
hallucigenics
lecture me.
Insecticides
Inside me, tides
are ebbing, flowing
up and down.
A pyro, chiro
break my spine
inside tonight
you're mine,
you're mine...

The sound of your voice..?

I'm empty
I'm aching,
I'm falling into pieces,
I'm hurting
I'm crying,
I thought you were my jesus

You held me so close
I felt so safe in your arms
You wiped my tears
And made me smile,
I love the sound of your voice
And the taste of your mouth
And when your body was close to mine

I long, to see you
And touch you tonight
I want to have you
And love you
I have to make it right

You held me so close
I felt so safe in your arms
You wiped my tears
And made me smile,
I love the sound of your voice
And the taste of your mouth
And when your body was close to mine

But now I'm growing
And learning,
I'm happy on my own
You're not everything
I need to live
I'm now happy to be alone.

I was empty
And aching,
And falling apart
But now I’m happy,
And ready
To make another start

You held me so close
I felt so safe in your arms
You wiped my tears
And made me smile,
I loved the sound of your voice
And the taste of your mouth
But now my body is totally mine.

You held me so close
I felt so safe in your arms
You wiped my tears
And made me smile
I loved the sound of your voice
And the taste of your mouth
But now my body is totally mine.

******

a moment of rather irrelevant inspiration...